Alice Cooper Running For President… Yet Again
Since ’72 Alice Copper has run for President over a dozen times. Obviously, due to massive voter fraud, he has been denied every time, Undaunted, Cooper is gearing up for the 2024 presidential election.
In a new 15-second “campaign” video the candidate touts his qualifications: “Well, I’m Alice Cooper and I’m a troubled man for troubled times. I have absolutely no idea what to do, so I should fit right in.”
Undoubtedly, the campaign song will be the classic Cooper hit “Elected.”
So Why Hasn’t Alice Cooper Reached His Goal?
Before the conspiracy theorists jump in, here are the reason Cooper has been denied the Oval Office.
1972 v. Richard Nixon: This was Cooper best shot. “Elected” was #1 on the Billboard Top 40. How could he lose… but he did. Nixon wiped the floor with Cooper and the Democrat nominee George McGovern.
1976 v. James Earl Carter: Jimmy wanted a government that was as good as its people. Unfortunately, that’s just what he delivered. Cooper, a Shock Rocker, had proposed just that four years earlier. Now, he was swept aside.
1980 v. Ronald Reagan: “It’s morning in America.” But Cooper was in rehab and hated mornings. Another missed opportunity.
1984 v. Reagan: No hits, no band, and seemingly no future. Cooper declares he’s a Republican but not even home state Arizona Republicans support him.
1988 v. George H.W. Bush: “A thousand points of light” was Bush’s mantra. In concert, Cooper had 10,000 points of light from Bic lighters when he sang the ballad “Only Women Bleed.” When it was discovered the Bics were not environmentally friendly Coop was done.
1992 v. Bill Clinton: He was a real Rock Star. He felt our pain at being exposed to Ratt Poison on Skid Row. Alice had no chance.
1996 v. Bill Clinton: More of the same. Cooper was so desperate that he tried to date Monica Lewinski (but she was busy).
2000 v. George W. Bush: Both Bush and Cooper were recovering alcoholics. But Bush had the support from the Republican party – Cooper got support from fans, family and friends.
2004 v. Bush: Alice, a one-time track star runs, but not far.
2008: v. Barack Obama: Thinking he was going to run against Hillary Clinton, Cooper re-released “Only Women Bleed.” But when Obama got the nomination, Alice knew he’d lost the suburban female vote. Depressed, he listened to The Doors exclusively for weeks and nearly relapsed.
2012 v. Obama: Cooper was invited to the White House but got confused and showed up at a white house in Rockport, IL. That led to another stint in rehab.
2016 v. Donald Trump: For the first time in American history, the man who wins the election is weirder than Alice.
2020 v. Joe Biden: Nice guy – former Senator, VP and longtime Amtrak rider, family man with a somewhat dysfunctional clan – beats Trump (also with a multi-generational dysfunctional family). Cooper’s clean, sober and youthful demeanor seems horribly out of place.
2024 v. Biden/Trump: As the youngest (76) of the major presidential candidates, Alice has the best chance of surviving the next four years. And as he said more than fifty years ago… “we’re all gonna Rock to the rules I make.” It’s finally time.
ELECT ALICE COOPER!
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